Hello traveller. Welcome to hell. I mean, welcome to travelling with a toddler.
My wife and I recently went to Greece with our toddler, and before that we went to Madagascar.
Here’s what I learned, boiled down into 10 timeless truths. Your flyer mileage may vary.
1. You will spend a lot of extra money to align flight times to sleep times
You may not do this on your first trip, but you will do it on all following trips.
How do I know?
Due to a political spat between the South African and Madagascan governments over some smuggled gold, direct flights from SA to the land of lemurs were closed, meaning we had to fly UP to Addis Ababa Airport in Ethiopia, then back DOWN to Madagascar.
This worked out alright on the way there, because flight times aligned with sleep times.
On the way back, things got messy. We had to wait at Addis Ababa for quite a few hours, and fly out after midnight.
My son lost. His. Mind.
Was so totally overtired that he ended up screaming, headbutting his mother, and shouting (on the plane), “NO, DADDY, DON’T TOUCH ME” while I was trying to stop him from vibrating in his chair and put a seatbelt on.
The hack: Do not make the same mistake I did. No matter what it takes, leave close to bedtime, arrive close to normal wakeup time. Or just don’t go.
2. You will not sleep on the plane.
Your child will expand to fill all available space, even if you luck into an empty seat in your row.
One of you (me) will end up standing in the aisle for most of the flight.
The other will crouch in the corner of their chair (my wife) like a cockroach, justifiably terrified that the child will wake up and spend the rest of the night wailing.
Hack: There is no hack. Don’t fly with toddlers.
3. You will become a walking, talking pharmacy.
20% of the weight in our travel bags is medicine for toddlers.
Pain killers, anti-nausea, laxatives, anti-laxatives, antiseptic, antibiotics (yes, we hustled our paediatrician for dry antibiotics to be mixed up if/when our toddler got sick), multivitamins, inhalers, a NEBULISER – The list goes on. So will yours.
Don’t worry about birth control. It’s in the seat next to you.
Hack: Allergex and some other medicines can help a toddler sleep on a plane. Or it can drive them stark-raving CRAZY for two hours before they collapse asleep. I recommend testing before flying.
4. Multi-location trips are no longer a thing.
Being somewhere with your kid or kids is cool. You can build something of a routine and give them a sense of continuity.
GOING somewhere with your kid is a damn nightmare. You’re tired, lost, anxious, frazzled, tired, poor (because the rand lost 5% of its value since you started reading this), and tired.
You’re carrying bags, mostly full of medicine. Your kid doesn’t CARE or understand that Athens, Meteora, and Kefalonia aren’t all in the same place.
They’re just going to pick up on your energy and play their only evolutionary survival card – get and hold your attention – while you’re trying to authorise a credit card on this country’s version of Uber using your phone’s roaming capabilities.
Capabilities that will leave you destitute in 5 minutes of Internet usage.
Hack: Pick a place. Go there. Stay there. Go home. Come back sometime in the future when your kids are older or when they live in VR pods, and explore Greece then. Can you tell I’m bitter?
5. Holiday nightlife and other adult fun is gone now.
If you’re one of those cool people who take their kids out past bedtime to restaurants and concerts and dance with them under fairy lights in a tiny town in the north of Italy, while the locals applaud, I’m not talking to you.
I’m talking to normal, human parents, who put their kids to bed at BEDTIME, and then go nowhere.
No pubs, clubs, Michelin-star restaurants, street parades, gothic quarters, or illicit activities.
Additionally, art and culture during the day is just you walking around a place and glancing at it briefly while telling your child not to touch things, an OCTILLION times. While your partner posts insta stories about how magical the Parthenon is.
Hack: At night time, one of you can go out while the other watches your kid. It will suck, but that’s what I’ve got.
6. You will give your child SO much screen time.
I used to look down on parents who let their kids play games on their phone while they’re on holiday. Now I AM one of those parents. If I can just enjoy a single cappuccino and acknowledge the sights and sounds around me for 20 minutes while my son stares, slack-jawed, at Peppa, Bluey, Blaze, or Pat, sign me up. If popping digital balloons and putting presents in appropriate-sized boxes for digital Santa keeps him still and quiet, he’ll be paying his own therapy bills when he moves out.
Hack: Give them screen time so that you can actually enjoy a meal, or the sunset, or a drink, or all three. Take a moment to look at your partner over your kid’s oblivious head, make eye contact, and whisper: “We’re terrible parents and I don’t care.”
7. European cities = Conjunctivitis theme park.
Based on my experience in a few European cities, here’s how street cleaning works. They drive a huge truck through the city, blasting water jets out that force trash and pigeon poo into the storm drains. By the time the sun rises, gentle wisps of steam are rising from what remains – puddles.
Magnetically attractive puddles that will pull your child to them like black holes full of every type of animal and human excretion. They will jump in the puddles. They will touch their eyes. They will get conjunctivitis on day two of the trip.
Hack: Don’t go to cities. Just go through them on the way to the beach. More on that later.
8. LATER IS NOW. Don’t go to cities.
You know what a city is to a toddler? An obstacle course.
And to a parent? A chaotic maze full of traffic, bikes, conjunctivitis puddles, tourists, tour groups, kidnappers, and shops full of cheap tat that, when your child breaks it, turns out to be expensive.
It also has art, culture, nightlife, entertainment, the best food, history, and fascinating people.
But you don’t get to do ANY of that properly, so just don’t hang around cities. They’re not for kids. You are for kids. By syllogism, cities are not for you.
Hack: Did I mention you should avoid cities?
9. Road trips in a rental car are not as fun as they sound.
Want to visit a few different parts of a country without subjecting your toddler to more plane flights? Good news! You can hire a car for more money than a plane flight and your child will hate it.
Why? Because rental car companies have the WORST, cheapest kids’ seats available, and you can only afford a hatchback with a tiny back window, set waaay up high. This means your child cannot see out the window, and will spend hours in the back of a strange car with no view.
And although we all say we’ll “take frequent breaks” and “hop out regularly to see the view”, that often doesn’t align with reality.
The reality is that you’ve got a check-in time somewhere, your kid won’t nap in this cheap car seat and is only getting angrier. You’ve gotten lost and won’t make it to your destination before bedtime. There’s not as many picturesque spots as you’d hoped. You didn’t bring enough snacks. You are the worst parents.
Hack: Go to the beach (see point 10)
10. Just give up and book a beach holiday.
The best parts of every holiday I’ve had with a 2 and 3-year-old toddler have been at the beach. A beach with our accommodation nearby. You need to be within striking distance of naps, snacks, a pool, a TV, a few restaurants, and a shop that sells overpriced inflatable toys.
Go to that place and stay a few days. I recommend 7-10 days. Hire E-bikes with a kid’s seat and explore the local area. Take short road trips in a rental car to different beaches. Work on your tan.
Ultimate Toddler-Travel Hack:
Nightlife, history, art, and culture will all come back into your life at some future point, but not now.
Now is the time to accept your fate and make the best of it.
Go to a resort with a kids club.
Sit on the beach, play “crocodile” in the pool.
Nap with them in an air-conditioned room.
Eat, drink, and give them screen time while you do that.
Make THEM happy and then you’ll be happy.
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